Dear Prospective Friends:
Today I have engaged my edifice in the physical, mind-altering, self-degrading task of creating the ever present electronic, sociological requirement, of an online profile. Regardless of divulging the actual website name (hardly necessary for this) it goes without disgruntled comment that the task before your sincere author, was both time-consuming and arduous. Nevertheless, a result was delivered, which at a later time and date will be shown to the masses.
The “first step” in the process is nothing short of selecting a “user name”, “screen name” or “member name”. It is at this point that palms start sweating and went into overdrive. See, those potentials will eventually see this and determine, by that “name” that he is either “cool” or “boring”. Judgmental pricks. Most of my morning was past driving into my creative lobe to figure out how not to sound like a pederass or someone who sits alone peeling potatoes. This may seem to most a simple task: “Smith98468”, or “ExcitingRob98”. Bullshit, once the screen shows up and requires all the juices necessary to describe just how normal and yet interesting you are, you freak the fuck out. Go ahead, try it if you don’t believe me.
Then there is the endless amount of information – which is either going to be displayed, or not depending on your clandestine settings – others will be able to extract and formulate about you. Date of birth, books read (or reading), places traveled to, and PHOTOS! This adds an entirely different realm of possibilities for your potential friends. Not only by reading, but by seeing, will decide whether you are sterile enough to become acquainted with. Thank God odor is not yet able to be electronically submitted from computer to computer. The one thing always of particular curiosity to me, is the word, or words you must type in order to place a “secure” submission of initial information. Generally, these are smeared and at an angle, thus making it difficult for people with disabilities to see them and accurately type them in. Some, however, offer audio options. How nice for little wheelchair Timmy.
Upon final submittal of all information, and profile creation, you wait until people respond to your requests to be friends. I cannot think of a more demeaning, self-degrading method for coming into contact with other members of the human race. Self-esteem aside, the act by which individuals can reject your invitation to be their friend, after hours of grousome searching and thumbnail-induced excitement, must take their depression to a completely new level.